WARNING: Explicit content
Yes, I mean you. It’s me again. I see you struggling. I see your desperation. You’re at the end of your rope. You don’t know if you want to go on living in this hell. You think no one hears your cries. You think that no one really cares if you live or die.
You are wrong! I hear you! Remember I am you and you are me. I am the 16 year old girl who sits on the lake shore with a gun in hand. I am the mother of 3 who has pills stashed. I am the 30 year old man who thinks about driving his car into on coming traffic. I am the grandmother who thinks about sitting in her garage and letting the car run and just slipping away quietly.
You think I can’t understand the demons that you fight? I was a 7 year old child who was sexually molested for years. Everyday I faced my abuser wondering if it was going to happen again. Everyday I prayed for someone to save me. It never happened. I lived in fear for years. I still live with the shame, guilt, and self hate that burrowed into my soul. The darkness that swallowed the child haunts the adult. I am the teenager who turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the cries of pain that poured from her depths. I was the 16 year old who put a gun to her head. I was the 21 year old who smoked so much pot that I couldn’t remember what day it was. I was the 22 year old who was surrounded by gang gun fire. I was the 23 year old who finally accepted who I was meant to be and came out. I was the 25 year old diagnosed with arthritis and told it would only get worse. I was the 30 year old who was looked down on because I had to walk with a cane. I was the 38 year old whose disease progressed to the point that walking without braces and a walker was no longer possible. I am now the 42 year old who lives in so much pain that each day is a decision if it is worth it to keep going. Our demons may not be exactly the same but I have fallen into the abyss and live with my demons.
Why am I telling you all this? I don’t want you to sit in the abyss alone when I am here too. You don’t have to flail about in the darkness. Take my hand. Together we can be stronger than the demons that haunt us. Just like that night years ago when my friend spent hours talking the gun out of my hand, I want to be there for you. If you can be my light when I fall down the rabbit hole, maybe I can be the voice of reason for you when your demons call.
When your mind and body can take no more and you think the only solution is to end it all…..reach out your hand. I am here! I will never leave. I will always answer your call. I will carry you as long as you need. I will hold you as tight as possible. I will wipe your tears and calm your fears.
Who am I? I am you and you are me! Deep inside, down in the darkest depths is where I reside. I see your demons. I live beside them. All you have to do is reach out your hand and pull me to you. I am your inner fire. I am your inner warrior. I am your heart and soul. I am the very essence of you. I am love.
Love? Yes, love. I am your love of a sunrise. Your love of a child’s laughter. Your love of your friends. The love of your husband, wife, and partner. I am the love you feel for a baby panda. The love of a butterfly. I am love and love can save us.
How can love save us? Each day we choose to go on for a reason. Whether it be for friends, family, our pets, our children, or our pure stubborn cussedness. It is a love of these things that give us the will to fight for another day. It is for the chance to find love in all its forms that we believe in the endless possibilities life holds.
The bottom line is this: You will have days where everything is against you. Your mind is shattered and you body battered. You will fall so far into the abyss that you see no chance of recovery. However, if you just reach out your hand you will find love. A friend’s love, a pet’s love, an uncle’s love, a mother’s love, a fellow spoonie’s love. Love will light your way back from the edge of hell. Love will give you hope. Love will light the spark in you. Love will fight for you when you can’t. Love will give you strength to find your inner warrior. Just remember that the strongest warrior needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes. Find the love that surrounds you and you will find your strength.
Linda’s Letters is a chronological series. You can read Letter number one here if you’ve missed it.