I’m Not Myself Today
Feeling invisible
Thin as paper, floating, lost
Crumpled, damaged
I wonder how I can regain my sharp edges
And unblemished self
Today is a pain day
My body is wracked with agony and I know
I am crumbled, damaged
I am not myself today
I am just pain
Once upon a time, I was whole
But that was so long ago, and now
I simply live with the reminders of another life
My body aches and shivers
No end to the misery, at least not today
My brain is foggy and muddled
Pinpricks stab my hands and feet
And there is a crushing sensation in my hips
I’m trapped in a spiral of pain
No beginning, no end, no way to measure time
I feel like butter stretched thin across bread
Just like Bilbo in The Hobbit
I finally understand what that means
To be used up, in small increments
But having everything feel huge just the same
And it’s not just my body that hurts
My hair aches…is that even a thing?
I’m weary of it all, but look! There is light!
I’m finding the fight I used to have
To return the volley from the enemy
YES! Here I am, still standing
Refusing to yield. I’ve always been a rebel.
As long as I breathe, I still have a chance
To turn around and tell this monster
“You cannot win”
I seek out my comforts,
Medicines…heat…the old tricks
And pull out some new ones as well
I cling to the hope of a new day
And another chance to go to war
This is a struggle, the fight for my life
A choice, to give in or go on
I choose my combat wisely and use
Every weapon at my disposal
I am a Warrior
Stand tall my friends! Refuse to give in!
That is the battle cry, the tides have turned
And I share it with you
For I am not myself today
Today, I am the VICTOR
Pamela Jessen lives in Langford, BC Canada. She is a blogger who writes about Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue and Invisible Illness at pamelajessen.com She also writes for The Mighty, PainResource.com and various independent publications. Pamela is also a Patient Advocate with the Patient Voices Network in BC. She sits on 4 committees and one Provincial working group and has also been involved in advocacy work at the Canadian National level as well. Pamela is married to her amazing husband Ray and they have one cat named Dorie.