I was a fairly happy child. I laughed, danced and sung. I played with my brothers. I was in a choir and I loved it. I was confident and bright. This was when I was about 6 years old. Things are hazy from then on. I was stressed out.. severely. I was in a rough home situation.. and I experienced a lot of psychological abuse from a young age up until my teen years. Most of my childhood was spent stressed out.
I also started putting on weight when I was about 7 and it kept creeping up even though I ate normal foods and played sport. When I was 14 my mum noticed I was sleeping a lot and keeping to myself a lot. She took me to a psych and I was diagnosed with depression.
Anyway.. skip a head a few years. I was 16 and in year 11 in high school. That’s when the fatigue really hit. I would skip school just to sleep. People thought I was just depressed, and I was, but none of us knew that was the beginning of me being seriously ill. I was still able to go out and be somewhat normal at that time but things just gradually got worse and worse.
The insomnia would keep me up all night and then I would sleep all day. Or if I did get up in the day I was horribly fatigued. I started to withdraw and go out less and less because I was so tired. Usually any mentions to doctors about fatigued were passed off so no one ever explored any other options.. I wish they had.
The first big breakdown
I remember when I was around 21 or 22 I started experiencing severe dizziness and weakness. I would get up and have major headspins to the point of not being able to lift my head up. If I went out I would have to hold on to a friends arm or something because things would spin. As even more time went on more things popped up along with the anxiety, depression and fatigue which was gradually worsening.. brain fog.. sinus issues and other symptoms.
There was one time.. probably about 2 or 3 years ago.. my mum was in hospital.. I’d been binge eating party finger foods and I was stressed and anxious being alone in the house and worrying about mum. This was the first time I remember getting numbness in my body. It was my full left arm and some of my left leg. As you can imagine.. I was terrified. And alone.
Some friends came over one evening to celebrate a friends birthday and I felt weaker and weaker as the day went on.. and the numbness. I broke down crying on the phone to mum and I was like.. what do I do? I ended up calling an ambulance. I was shaking from fear and my dad met me there. They did all the standard tests. Monitored me for awhile and basically said.. “It’s just anxiety. Lose some weight. And don’t sleep on your left side.” They gave me an attitude like I had wasted their time completely and I was heartbroken but also kind of relieved.. if it was life threatening.. they wouldn’t be letting me leave. Still scared though. I went home and my dad ended up staying at my house with me for about a month because I was so sick (and scared) I could barely do a thing. Even feeding myself was a task because my mouth was shaking.. literally. I eventually calmed down. Still had symptoms but not as severe.
Still No Diagnosis
Since then.. the numbness comes and goes. I’ve also developed body aches and pains.. the brain fog is worse and I’m pretty much housebound and bedridden (although I can still walk around) from it all.
I moved from that old house in with my dad for a year and that was hard because even though he’s seen me unwell he still doesn’t fully understand that I am chronically ill and its very hard for me to do things.
Then recently I moved again into a new place with my mum.
Fibromyalgia and CFS
Last year in November I finally got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. That is only AFTER my doctor saw me with a walking cane and decided to take me seriously. I had already complained of the numbness, fatigue and all of that before. I’d lost faith in all doctors by that point. Anyway it was a neurologist who diagnosed me.
Since then I’ve had some god awful flare ups. I’m experiencing one now (yes, I’ve only just started to educate myself about flare ups) nobody told me they were a thing and whenever they happened severe anxiety would ensue.
Right now I’m just trying to remain calm and accept what I am dealing with and redirect negative thoughts. I honestly believe this will help calm down my symptoms. I’ve become a “master googler” over time and that hasn’t helped anxiety.. but I’ve been trying to figure this all out. I’m not getting any help but I don’t believe I’m stuck with this.. some days I need to keep that mindset in order to get myself through the rough moments and some days I honestly and truthfully believe it.
What I’ve learnt so far is that stress can mess you up in ways we don’t even think about. I believe the constant stress did that to my body. I’ve learnt that what I’m dealing with is most likely auto immune so I’ve cut out foods that trigger autoimmune reactions like dairy, grains, gluten and so on.
I ate butter and rice recently for a few weeks thinking I’d be okay and I think that’s what triggered my recent flare up. I believe that I have a large candida overgrowth and leaky gut but when I mentioned it to my doctor she shut me down.
I read a woman bedridden with fibromyalgia and found out she had adrenal fatigue and a massive candida overgrowth. She went on the candida diet and within a year she healed. I’d like to eventually do that.. I’m trusting my intuition on this one.. seeing as that’s all I’ve got.
Stay positive and try not to stress
But I’m not at that point just yet to take that 100 percent seriously. Right now im just focusing on stress relief. That… is a huge part of this. You’d think I’d have nothing to stress about seeing as I’m home all day. I don’t work and I’m not capable of doing much around the house due to being too tired. I used to wake up stressed and anxious and go to bed stressed and anxious.. its only been in the past week that I decided.. no. I need to get this under control.
All I could think about was.. I’m sick.. I’m scared.. what do I do.. I need a plan.. when will I get better *googles all day and night*. That.. was not helpful. This is just my personal belief.. but I do believe I have angels around me.. with me.. and guiding me.. and I feel like they were telling me that I needed to not fight against this and accept it. Not accept it in the sense that I’ve given up.. accept it by just.. keeping calm.. saying to myself.. this is what I am experiencing and I’m just going to remain calm and experience it.. it has helped.
I still have bad moments but its definitely helped. I feel like they were also telling me that when I am calm.. everything I need to know to start getting better.. will come to me.. that I know the answers and I know that to do and that I need to trust my intuition. So that’s what I am doing and seeing as I don’t get help on any other way.. I may as well listen to my intuition and use that as guidance.
I’ve lost a lot of friends being ill. I don’t have friends, family (apart from mum) or doctors support. I don’t see anyone apart from mum and my cat.. accepting that has been hard too.. I’m 26 years old and when I’m feeling good.. I am happy and full of life and want to share that with people and I can’t.
As I said…. all I can do is take small steps to get better.. and listen to my intuition. I hope someday I can get up and think to myself.. wow I feel so refreshed and full of energy.. I’m going to go for a walk or go shopping. I’d like to travel overseas one day. I’d love to get married and have kids eventually. I want to write a book and I want to use my wisdom and experiences to help others one day as well. I’d like to think that these hard times are simply shaping me into a person that can do good/great things in this world. Keeping that mindset also helps me keep the faith and stay strong.