Warning: Explicit content
March 23, 2016
Yeah, I mean you! So, the demons have come back to attack you while you’re down. They are offering you oblivion. They are whispering seductive sweet nothing’s about how the only peace you’ll ever find is to no longer exist. They tell you that you are a worthless piece of trash. You have no use to humanity and those you care about would be better off if you were not here. The demons scream inside your head and tear apart your heart. They suck out your will to fight. They fill you with doubt. The demons kill all hope. They laugh at your pleas for mercy. The demons feed off your doubt. Their life’s blood is your apathy and pain.
How do I know what you are feeling? Remember, I am you and you are me. I have been down this road. I have been where you are. I have faced my demons time and time again. I have fallen into the abyss and sunk into the demons embrace. I snuggled up with alcohol and drugs to find sweet oblivion. I have tried to erase my existence. I have pushed everyone away believing them better off. I have wanted to embrace death. Yet, here I stand and here you are.
When was your darkest night? The first was when I was sixteen and wanted to end it all with a gun to my head but I’ve already told you that story. So, why don’t I tell you of my most recent dark night? Just a few nights ago I sat in my living room debating if life was worth living. The demons were crowding around feasting on my heart and soul.
Ok, to give you an idea of why I went to the abyss that night I have to tell you about my day and what has been going on with me. First my health has been in a tailspin. My PTSD and Depression have been giving me fits. I am being evaluated for MS right now. My osteoarthritis in my knees and hip is worsening. My degenerative disc disease and peripheral neuropathy in my legs are fucking killing me. I recently found out I have spondyloarthritis in my lower spine and Oh fucking joy sciatica has joined the party! So here I sit day in and day out on meds that don’t adequately control the pain and off we go to the orthopedic specialist for my knees. I am ready for him to say we need to do more injections or some such horseshit and Bam! He lowers the boom and says not one but both knees need to be scoped. Well, fuck! Ok, pick my jaw up off the floor. Well, next he tells me you need to have your PCP find you a surgeon because no one here does that since your old surgeon left and we don’t know of anyone who takes your insurance. All I can think at this point is shit. This is going to take forever. Forever, that I am in pain. He basically patted me on the head and said come back if we can help with anything else.
I went home in so much pain. Thinking here we go again needing to find another doctor who takes my insurance and the whole time I have to sit and wait for this miracle I have to just deal with the pain. Then if we can find a doctor and get an appointment my partner will have to take time off to take me to the surgeries and possibly the appointment if it’s too far away. Fuck, another burden on her. She has enough shit to deal with. I am nothing but an albatross around her neck. She deserves someone who can be here to help her more. She deserves so much better than a broken down cripple. Add on top of all those thoughts the areas and pressure of family obligations and I was a real fucking mess.
I was so motherfucking pissed, sad, scared, frustrated, and in so much pain; both emotionally and physically. However, the most overwhelming feeling was of being tired. Tired of the fucking pain. Tired of being strong. Tired of the motherfucking pills. Tired of never feeling enough. Tired of being a burden. Tired of being passed off from one doctor to another. I was even tired of being so fucking tired. Put all these thoughts and feelings on an endless loop and the demons started to whisper sweet words in my ears.
The demon whispered that whiskey was the way to help. That sirens call is always in the back of my head. That night it was yelling come to me I will give you peace. I will give you oblivion. I will give you rest. I will make you forget everything. I will be your savior.
So what stopped you? Two things stopped me. The first being I know the lies that demon whispers. I knew if I went down that road that one of two things would have happened. I would have totally lost my shit and started punching the walls to cause enough pain to get the demons to get out of my head or I would have thrown the towel in and chucked it in the fuck it bucket and gotten truly serious about ending it all.
The second thing that stopped me was pain. The pain I would have cause so many by ending it all. The questions I would have left the people behind asking. Whether they could have stopped me? Whether I didn’t feel I could come to them? Why didn’t I love them enough to stick around? The never knowing why and the endless pain of loss and grief. That kind of pain eats at a person’s heart and soul and gives them a demon to fight. I know this pain and these questions. I carry this demon. I never want to be someone’s demon.
So, what did you do to stop this all? My partner was asleep for work and I just didn’t want to lay this at her feet. I didn’t want to be more of a burden than I already felt I was. So, I reached out to my two best friends. I called one and just told her to talk. It’s our signal that we are in the abyss and need a lifeline. I don’t know what she talked about but she calmed me enough that I could think a little clearer. The other friend I had been messaging with all day. I still don’t think she knows how much she held me together that day and evening. They both together steadied me enough that I could reach out to my tribe.
Why did you reach out to them? I reached out to them because I knew I was still deep in the abyss and they would understand. I wouldn’t be made to feel as if I am crazy. I would not be put down for being weak. They would cradle my heart and soul softly. Giving me the time and hope I needed to survive the night. These fellow warriors would be my rock. They would be my shoulder to cry on. They would fight for me because I was blinded and couldn’t see any light anymore. I know they realized how close I was to giving in, to giving up. These warriors saved my life that night.
Why am I telling you all this? Just keep in mind that I am you and you are me when I say this. YOU ARE SO ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY WORTH IT! YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! YOU ARE NOT TRASH! YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS PAIN! YOU ARE A MOTHER FUCKING BAD ASSED SPOONIE WARRIOR! DEEP INSIDE OF YOU BURNS THE TINY SPARK OF HOPE YOU NEED TO LIVE! DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING GIVE UP! DON’T YOU EVER GIVE IN! DON’T LET YOUR DEMONS WIN! DON’T LISTEN TO ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY SPOUT! YOU CAN DO THIS!
How can you do this? You do this with the love and support around you. You reach out to anyone in your darkest moments. You find warriors like you that will walk beside you on your journey. You grab that tiny spark of hope that resides in the smallest corner of your soul and you breathe life into it daily. You remember me in your darkest moments. If you can’t see the light because you are blinded just reach out to the cosmos and my love for you, my hopes for you, my belief in you will always be there for you to grab. Hold it tight and know I am thinking of you and hoping the fates bring us together on our journeys. Then we can help, hope and support each other. When and if that day comes we will stand together, side by side, a war party of some of the most bad asses spoonie warriors ever seen.
Linda’s letters is a chronically series. Did you miss the beginning? Start here with Letter #1.